Did you say you can’t?
It is so easy to think or say “I can’t….”
Over and over again, we tell ourselves so many things without realizing it.
I can’t wake up early for Fajr
I can’t cook a meal
I can’t help my child with their homework
I can’t afford to pay for “the full cup” or whatever program on your list
And sometimes you even have a reason added so it would sound like…
I really want to join #FajrClub but I can’t because I am not a morning person.
Most of the time, the truth isn’t that you can’t, it is that you won’t.
I won’t wake up early for Fajr
I won’t cook a meal right now
I won’t help my child with their homework
I won’t afford to pay for the full cup
I really want to join Fajr Club but I won’t because I am not a morning person.
The thing is when we say we “can’t” do something, we sound like we are a victim and it is comfortable but when we say we won’t then it shows our choice in the matter.
And this is not to say that there are not things that we actually cannot do. I mean maybe you genuinely can’t afford something at the moment…
But until you start to take note of this difference, you would not know. And your brain will believe whatever you tell it.
So when you find yourself saying you can’t do something, change “can’t” to “won’t” and see if it still holds true.
And don’t think it makes you lazy, it just makes you honest and most days, honesty is the cheapest thing you can afford.
Did you say you can’t?
It doesn’t mean only one thing. It can be a lot of things. The loss of a loved one. The loss of a life that we planned in our head. The end of a marriage. The end of a friendship. The end of a relationship. Moving on from one season to the next. The miscarriage. The negative pregnancy test after that hopeful slight positive result. A move. Moving on.
And not to forget the changes, growth, stops and pauses that come with any of these.
The opportunities we lost because we chose to love and support a loved one.
The life we thought we will have
The memories we thought we will make
And sometimes you may feel so angry because the world seems to be moving on just fine….
No one can tell that as you pushed the trolley in the supermarket, there was a contraction and a loss of what would have been a baby. Your baby.
Somedays it is easy for you to identify what you are feeling, you are in your room with the windows covered just sitting in the darkness and somedays, you get through your day with love and laugher and then all of a sudden, as you lay on your bed, you feel a tightness in your chest and you seek the mercy of tears and it just doesn’t come.
Then there is people telling you how strong you are but you can barely lift the blankets off and start your day.
Grief is for loss. It is your loss whatever that means for you. And it is valid.
(ٱلَّذِینَ إِذَاۤ أَصَـٰبَتۡهُم مُّصِیبَةࣱ قَالُوۤا۟ إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّاۤ إِلَیۡهِ رَ ٰجِعُونَ)
[Surah Al-Baqarah 156]
those who say, when afflicted with a calamity, ‘We belong to God and to Him we shall return.’
It has been exactly 12 months since I announced my idea for women of tadabbur to the world. I don’t even know where the idea came from, oh actually I do know. Alhamdulillah.
I also remember thinking it was a bad time to start cos I was also starting Arabic full time and then I had my day job and the agents and my family…and…and…
I put it out anyway and then one person signed up and then the second and then… and then it morphed into a beautiful community of amazing and supportive women. And even more communities have been born of that.
The doubts come in sometimes but I have learnt so much. SubhanAllah!
To mention a few,
- Taking a leap of faith means doesn’t mean you trust yourself, it means you trust Allah ﷻ
- Take the first step even if you do not see the whole staircase.
- The power of one.
Allah ﷻ has always sent me that one sign, maybe a person that will just say something that I didn’t even know that I needed to hear.
“Aisha! it is one at a time, one sign, one person, one feeling, one idea, one theme, one moment of gratitude, one community, one foot in front of the other and that is how we change the world.”
Please say a du’a for all of these special ladies – all of them – new and old, present and those who had to take their leave.
I pray that Allah ﷻ fixes all our hearts. He is indeed Al-Jabbar.
I remember a few years ago, Abu Agents was attending a training in Lagos (this was pre-agents) when he called me with a huge warm apology and I was surprised because there was no current issue but he promised to explain later.
It turns out they took a personality assessment and a total stranger (the facilitator) told him everything his wife had been telling him about him (sans the nagging but I mean). And that was the beginning of it…
He would read so much about the human beings and their psychology and then he eventually found DISC. He got certified and then I took an assessment. I couldn’t believe how a bunch of random questions could tell so much about me.
I felt like it wasn’t a level playing ground because I knew him but I didn’t “get” him, and I could see that he was starting to get me. I mean, I know how he acts but I didn’t know why… so we had a conversation with both our reports. I was intrigued.
One day, he said to me, “you will be a better DISC coach than I am.” I laughed because I wasn’t even interested in being a coach. Let’s just say the rest is history…
There is a comfort in getting to understand you. Would you like to here more about this? Sign up for the Basis of Relationship [Early bird for a few hours+ a gift]
So last week, I had just served my toddlers some pap. Where my daughter sat with hers (which is strange), her twin was uninterested. She finished her meal and came to hand me the cup but she kicked his cup which was on the floor as she brought hers. I saw when it fell and I felt sad, maybe even some anger.
It had been a long week. Abu Agents had been away for work, I was ill and there was no nanny.
Anyways, I took a deep breath as she handed me her cup and spoon and I said “thank you”. She turned round to go back and as soon as she saw the cup with the pap spilled, She exclaimed, “Oh!Oh!!” something we say when we make a mistake and she went over to try to scoop it back into the cup.
I felt ashamed. Ashamed that my first feeling was sad+/-anger over an honest mistake.
I went and we cleaned it up together. And I gave her a big hug.
I was not in a good place and I wasn’t thinking the best of my toddler. Toddlers make it hard tbh…
It helps to create a pause between the trigger and the reaction.
A reminder for me to press pause between the trigger and the reaction.
Try it, press pause.