One of the most common defences of spanking is: “I was spanked, and it didn’t kill me. I turned out fine.”
Perhaps. but survival and flourishing are not the same thing.
Research in child development continues to show that spanking and other forms of physical punishment come with significant costs.
- They work against building relationships rooted in trust, respect, and connection.
- They create confusion in a child’s brain. The very person they are wired to run to for comfort and safety also becomes the source of fear and pain.
- They teach that problems are solved by using greater power to inflict pain on someone smaller.
- They may produce immediate compliance, but often at the expense of honesty. Children become better at hiding rather than learning.
- They activate the brain’s survival response, fight, flight, or freeze, making it harder for children to access the parts of the brain responsible for reasoning, self-regulation, empathy, and learning.
These are not simply opinions. They are findings supported by decades of developmental neuroscience and attachment research. So perhaps the better question is not:
“Did spanking kill you?”
But rather…
What did it cost you?
Did it help you feel safe?
Did it teach you emotional regulation?
Did it deepen your relationship with your parents?
Or did you learn to fear consequences, suppress emotions, and survive?
Many of us are raising children with tools we inherited rather than tools we intentionally chose. There is no shame in recognising that. Growth begins when we become willing to examine what we received and ask whether it reflects the kind of mercy, wisdom, and character we hope to pass on.
Children are an amānah from Allah. They deserve discipline that teaches, corrects, and guides, not discipline driven by anger or force. Our beloved Prophet ﷺ was the greatest teacher of humanity, yet his gentleness transformed hearts more powerfully than fear ever could.
May we have the courage to heal what needs healing, learn what needs learning, and break cycles that no longer deserve to be inherited.